Less than Pants

A non-play

The Players: The Man, The Anti-Man, a Bus Stop

Act Only

Afternoon. A Bus Stop.

The Man, wearing dress slacks and an oxford shirt, walks onstage, sits on the bench, and begins humming. Soon after, The Anti-Man, wearing a ratty pair of jeans and a t-shirt, walks onstage from the opposite direction, and sits next to The Man on the bench. The Man smiles nobly at his companion’s arrival. The Anti-Man smiles meekly in return. The two are silent for a moment.

The Anti-Man: (Hesitatingly) Are you waiting for the number 9?

The Man: (Stops humming. looks down the street to his left, looks at The Anti-Man, looks down the street to his right, then looks at The Anti-Man again) Yes.

The Anti-Man: (Relieved) Good. I thought I’d missed it.

The two men are silent for a moment, until The Man begins singing to himself.

The Man: (Quietly) On your way... to your church...

The Anti-Man: (Thinking The Man had been speaking to him) Beg your pardon?

The Man: (Slightly louder) Kick the can... at your feet...

The Anti-Man: (Confused) I’m sorry, are you talking to me?

The Man: (Still louder) And the men you see... with your eyes... makes you feel... makes you feel...

The Anti-Man: (Understanding) Oh, what’s, uh... what’s that song you’re singing?

The Man: (Ignoring The Anti-Man. Shouting) Soooo... good!

The Anti-Man: (Slightly annoyed) Okay, never mind. (to himself) Sounded like a stupid song anyway.

The Man, having finished his display, resumes humming and begins looking around, apparently for their bus. The Anti-Man sits motionless and looks straight ahead. A bus arrives, and The Anti-Man gets up to board, but The Man remains seated.

The Anti-Man: Hey, this is the 9. (no response) Aren’t you getting on?

The Man: No.

The Anti-Man: (Confused) Why not? It’s the only bus downtown at this hour.

The Man: I’m already there. (begins humming again)

The Anti-Man: (Still confused, but newly indifferent) Whatever.

The Man: (Abruptly stops humming) If I may offer some advice...

The Anti-Man: (Hesitates in response. shrugs his shoulders) Shoot.

The Man: Do you see these pants I’m wearing?

The Anti-Man: Yes, what about them?

The Man: They’re not really pants; They’re less.

The Anti-Man: What does that mean?

The Man: It means they’re less than pants, that’s all. (mildly indignant. to himself) Seemed pretty self-explanatory to me.

The Anti-Man: (Agitated) Yes, but what is “less than pants?”

The Man: It’s more than you’ve got, friend. (points toward his companion’s pants)

The Anti-Man, embarrassed, gets on the bus. The bus drives off. The Man sits back on the bench and, humming again, brushes something off his pants. After a moment, he stands up, turns to his left, and walks offstage.

Bus Stop: What a dope; shorts! (pauses) Except... he wasn’t wearing shorts. (pauses) Oh well, downtown’s for saps anyway; that’s why I’m just one of the stops. (begins singing) On your way... to your church...



Blogger Josh said...

first of all, i hate you for getting your background set up. I guess your wife wasn't fussy about helping you out. secondly, way to go on the less than pants nonplay. right on!

11:06 PM  

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